I have decided (once again) that I am sick and utterly disgusted with myself and the way I look and feel. I’ve pretty much always been over weight, except when I was in the bottom half of elementary school. But since about 3rd/4th grade on, I just put on the pounds and kept putting them on. And it wasn’t for lack of being active. In fact, 3rd grade is when I started school sports and played them year round (soccer, volleyball, basketball, and softball) through 6th grade, then just basketball in 7th, nothing in 8th, and softball in 9th and 10th until a major concussion took me out of the game for the season and I was too afraid to go back the next year. So I was obviously quite active through those years. And I’m not really a terrible eater. I mean, I’m not a health nut by any means, but I don’t binge on fatty junk foods and whatnot. I went through a period where I did eat out more than I wanted to (When I lived with my boyfriend and his family and no one hardly ever cooked.. And I was busy with school or homework to spend a couple hours cooking for a house with 7 people in it).. But other than that I’ve never been big on eating out either. I do on occasion but I definitely don’t live off the stuff. So I’ve never really understood my weight issue. It’s possible it’s a medical problem.. But I really don’t know that for sure. I just know that during the times prior when I have felt disgusted with myself and tried to change.. It didn’t work. I’ve tried crash diets, I had a bout with eating disorders in 8th grade, I’ve tried limiting portions, I’ve tried exercising on my own as well as joining a gym.. Twice. And went pretty religiously with the second one for a while (but then I moved and had to cancel my membership and couldn’t afford one elsewhere, since I wasn’t even the one paying for the last one). I’ve seriously tried all the basic things. And the only time I’ve ever seen weight come off is post-breakup when I’m so depressed and upset and sick to my stomach that I go about three or so days without eating.. This has happened twice. Both times I lost about 10-15 pounds in a week.. But then I started eating again and the weight magically reappeared. And I’m definitely not going to be unhealthy and starve myself for days on end just to lose some weight. I’m also hypoglycemic, and sometimes my blood sugar gets quite low. Which brings me to today.
I’ve been trying to change my eating habits once again. They weren’t terrible to begin with, but I’ve been trying to make some gradual changes, starting with portion control. I’ve been aware of the “5 small meals a day instead of 3 large ones” thing for a while. But I’ve never really been a “snacker” and my sleep schedule was so terrible, I never ate breakfast because I wasn’t even awake yet and I’d end up snacking late at night because I was still awake for several hours after dinner. That was probably the only time I would snack. So I’m trying to limit what I put on my plate, as well as putting healthier stuff on it. A few nights ago my mom was making grilled chicken for dinner.. Totally fine. I seasoned it up nice and good, it came out juicy, it was great. But before it was done she asked what I wanted with it.. She was thinking about Pasta-Roni. But all I wanted with it was some cucumbers. So I had grilled chicken and cucumbers for dinner that day. As well as about 48 ounces of water.. Which my water intake has also always sucked. So I’ve actually been feeling pretty decent. I have plans to go for a walk on Saturday morning and hopefully Sunday evening with a friend. If she wants to only do one, I’ll do the other by myself. This his not been one of my strong points. I HATEEEE running/jogging. But I don’t really mind walking. I know jogging is technically better.. But moving at all is better than not. And walking is a start. Whenever I have tried to go jogging, I get wore out so fast I just get mad and discouraged and feel like crap. It doesn’t help that I hate the activity anyway. So I think walking is a good start. My friend can’t do more right now anyway due to a walking boot on one of her feet. Maybe once I start being able to walk longer distances without getting worn out (like those damn uphill slopes that have me panting about 10 feet in).. I can gradually work my way up to jogging. Maybe. We’ll see. Walking can be really good too, so I’m not stressing about it too much. It’s something at least. And I get some new workout clothes to help put me in the mood and get me motivated. But I just got pretty off the point I wanted to make, so, back to today!
I’ve been doing all good and stuff, but once a week I’m away from home for a night for my school. I stay in a motel and I don’t get the luxury of a home cooked meal. I’ve been trying to make good choices, but I’m kind of failing. Last night I did have Subway for dinner.. Which was fine. But then I bought two donuts, one for breakfast this morning since I don’t have a refrigerator or a microwave in the room and I haven’t yet come up with a healthier option that I can purchase the night before, since I have to leave superrrr early the next morning. So I got two donuts, ate one last night, and the other (raspberry filled, mmm) this morning. At like 6. Then at noon I ate lunch, which was one of those personal size mac n’ cheese things that you just have to stick in the microwave. Yesterdays lunch was better (salad, some nectarine slices, and a GoGo Squeeze applesauce). But because all I ate today was a donut and that small personal size mac n’ cheese.. By 5:30 this evening, when I was done with school and had ridden public transportation back to my vehicle.. My blood sugar was very low and I was also dehydrated. I called my sort of adopted mom/ex would be mother in law who is still family to me, and told her I couldn’t drive because I was too shaky and lightheaded. So she got her daughter and they came to me, her daughter hopped into the driver seat of my car, I got in the passenger side, and they took me to get food. This is what I’m ashamed of. They asked what I wanted and I was so out of it and feeling like I was about to faint or just go into a coma or something awful, so I said I didn’t care. They asked about salad at the pizza place where the daughter (my good friend/sister ish person) works but I know salad doesn’t help me when my blood sugar gets that low, so they just took me there and we got pizza. I only ate a couple pieces, but ugh. I just feel bad. I’ve been doing good and today sucked! I’m just tired of feeling icky and absolutely despising what I see in the mirror. I want to look at skinny pretty people and feel like one of them.. Not envy them. So I’m going to KEEP working at it and not let days like today discourage me. I will have bad days, but the only way I can fail is to quit trying. And I’m no quitter.. So here we go.. I’m taking this journey hopefully for the last time.. I will not quit, and I will start losing weight and feeling better and I will love myself some day.
And if you actually read all this, I totally commend you. Wow.